|
|
|
|
|
GOLDSEA |
ASIAMS.NET |
ASIAN AMERICAN ISSUES
The White Stuff: Whiting Wongs & Wonging Whites
hey're our neighbors, buddies, allies, enemies, clients, bosses, employees, lovers and spouses. Many of us have more daily contact with Whites than with other Asians. Consequently, we often feel we know them better than they can ever know us. Maybe that's at the heart of our frustration as Asian Americans. They are as ubiquitous and pervasive as the air we breath while to them it seems we are eternal curiosities, outsiders, exotics.
Bridging the gap?
|
And so we sometimes find ourselves lashing out with nasty generalizations about the people we blame for all that seems wrong with American society and, more specifically, our place in it. They are ignorant, shallow, boorish, smelly, sneaky, treacherous, malicious, dumb, weird -- in short, all the labels we feel have been so unfairly slapped on us.
But even as we hurl such epithets we cannot forget the countless acts of kindness, warmth, generosity, friendship, passion and love that we have enjoyed from these very same people. As our anger and frustration subside, we recognize that our fates are inextricably intertwined, not merely in sharing a world, a nation, a society, an economy, a culture -- but often in sharing even our most intimate lives. One in five of today's Asian American marriages are to Whites. And contrary to the imbalance of the past, the ratio of new AM/WF marriages to new AF/WM marriages is steadily approaching unity.
So we naturally have a strong interest in decoding the other side of the equation. Understanding is a two-way street. Fortunately, there are Whites who have enough interest in us as individuals to share their perspectives on us and on their interactions with us. This page is for those who -- as corny as it may sound -- have chosen to serve as bridges.
This interactive article is closed to new input.
Discussions posted during the past year remain available for browsing.
CONTACT US
|
ADVERTISING INFO
© 1996-2013 Asian Media Group Inc
No part of the contents of this site may be reproduced without prior written permission.
|
|
|
|
WHAT YOU SAY
[This page is closed to new input. --Ed.]
(Updated
Wednesday, Jan 22, 2025, 06:38:55 AM)
MLK,
Being a married AM person myself and living in a primarily white neighborhood, I have to disagree that most Whites don't think very similarly to Asians regarding gender roles in a family. In my immediate neighborhood (mostly upper-middle class), all the men are breadwinners, and wives enjoy staying home, get-togethers, and sharing funny stories of their children. They all expect their men to spend quality time with them & kids, very handy around the house, do all the laborious duties. And all the wives are college-educated and had jobs before marriage & kids.
I certainly don't think any of us, men, think of our wives as less intelligent, WM or AM. Or we are in big trouble. Women nowadays are more educated and independent; but they still like to be pampered and be treated like a lady. I don't think you are against your date opening your door on a special night-out; may be not every wednesday.
As long as you listen to what you woman has to share, let them figure out if they need your help, then whether you are AM or WM will be just fine.
Proud Terp
Friday, April 19, 2002 at 08:50:50 (PDT)
I am married now and very happy, but from my dating years, I dated mostly white guys and some other ethniticities, and only two Asian men. My now husband being one of the two I dated before.
Although these people were all different from each other, from life experiences etc, I will also indulge into the generalization that MLK brought up.
The white guys seemed more into saying "what do you want to do?" on a date, where as the Asian men found out my likes and dislikes and then made plans and had all of the small details worked out, from reservations to restaurants to a dozen roses waiting.
I can also see this is generalizing, and is only my experience to share. There are pros and cons of these both, but personality wise I really liked the feeling of being thought of and all of the details worked out for me.
Instead of seeing this as "controling" and me as being "mindless and weak" I saw alot of care and time in the actions the Asian men took to "prepare" for the date. That even extended to taking time and effort to really make it special.
When on a business trip to exhibit my art a few years ago, when dating my now husband, I had a trip that took me from NC to Tennessee to Atlanta and then drive to DC to visit him. He was so concerned for my safety that he sent me his cell phone in overnight mail since I did not have one then. When I opened the package, he also had included a surprise flight itenerary. He had purchased a ticket and was going to fly to NC so we could drive back together since he was so worried about me being so tired from the business trip.
Not saying that white guys or other ethnic guys cannot be that sweet and caring, I'm just saying that in my experience, I saw a difference between how I was treated between Asian and white guys when I was dating.
Hannybunbun
Thursday, April 18, 2002 at 13:36:31 (PDT)
to Outside Looking In
I actually tried to date a few WMs when I was just starting out and living on my own because I started with a clean slate (a supposition that all men are created equal...) and I found out one thing that surprised me above all things. In general (not always, but on most occasions) WMs and AMs think somewhat differently due to the way they're raised.
WMs (in general, not always) treated me as their absolute equal. This means that if I get stuck in a jam, I'm expected to be able to get myself out of the jam without their help. They will extend help only when I ask for it and only when they see that I've tried and failed to make it work. This is great for things that I want to do by myself, but not great for things that are way over my head.
AMs (in general, not always) on the other hand, rush over to take control of the situation and fuss over me like a fragile porcelain doll. I don't even get the chance to get my hands dirty and all the work's done! Of course, the trade off is that I'm not considered as competent in certain areas of life (like changing my own busted tire or opening my own door).
I understand the mentality behind these actions, however, and I am not saying that either one is better than the other. The WMs (in general, not always)think that doing these things for a female invalidate the female's abilities and self-sufficiency. They feel that American women are strong and able to take care of themselves, and most especially, don't need to be coddled and treated as softer weaker beings. This thinking leads to the WM's expectation that the woman must pull her own weight, which results in a woman working all hours of the day and not having enough time for family and homelife and, thereby, results in children who are not as well-taught or well-behaved. I am not insulted by this thinking because I understand that this is how WMs (in general, not always) are raised.
The AMs (in general, not always)on the other hand, treat females very conservatively. In their minds, their woman is slightly weaker, slightly less capable, and slightly less intelligent than they are. If something needed to be done, and the sphere is a male one, they will take on that responsibility without even consulting the woman because it's their job. The woman's job, (home-care, child-care, family-care) is left to the women without question, but men-stuff is left to the men. I am not insulted by this thinking because I understand that this is how they are raised (in general, not always).
Now, I do realize that I am over-generalizing on the pathetically few specimens that I've had to experiment with (after all, how many men could I possibly go out with to gather the data that I would need to generalize this much?) which is why I keep popping up the (in general, not always) quote, so I don't get beaten up by you guys--the ones who are not part of the (in general, not always) formula. Still, my experience should count as valid since I am part of the demographics and I am honestly trying to answer your question with what I've found to be true in my life.
I hope that helps.
MLK
Wednesday, April 17, 2002 at 11:55:30 (PDT)
NEWEST COMMENTS |
EARLIER COMMENTS
|