ASIAN AMERICAN FEATURES




A fan of Asian women offers suggestions to help them avoid looking like insecure fools.

by David Baek



BROTHERLY ADVICE FOR ASIAN WOMEN
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ey, Asian women, I love you. But I gotta tell you -- Your nutty insecurities make you do things that are highly embarrassing not only for yourselves but for the entire race. So here's a bit of perspective from a guy who has had enough personal contact with Asian women to know all about it, and who has several good reasons to care.


BE PROUD OF YOUR EYES
     The most baffling psychological aberration known to the human race is the Asian female conviction that their eyes are too small. Hence many Asian girls walk around with the expressions of stuffed bunnies, use scotch tape in unnatural ways, slather too much gunk around their eyes, even filet fat off their eyelids to make them fold like crepes. Oi vey! Where to start?

     First off, eyes aren't gemstones. They aren't appraised by carat-weight but by how well they complement the rest of your face. The way a pair of eyes looks is determined by the size of the eyeballs, the size and color of the irises, the bones of the brows, cheeks and nose, the shape of the eyesocket. In other words, Asian eyes are the product of Asian facial structures. Anything that distorts the skin around the eyes will tend to make the eyes look odd and out of place. As in deformity. As in scary.

     Secondly, there's zero correlation between a woman's attractiveness and the apparent size of her eyes. Sure, Jane Fonda, Goldie Hawn and Claudia Schiffer have biggish eyes. Ellen Barkin, Sharon Stone, Kate Moss and Laetitia Casta have average or small ones, not any bigger than those of most Asian women. The only dimension that does correlate consistently with universal notions of attractiveness is the width of the space between the eyes. Wideset eyes are generally appealing while closely set eyes are less so. In this regard the average Asian woman has a distinct advantage over her white sisters though, of course, there are many white women with wideset eyes and many Asian women with narrow-set eyes. The bottom line here is that -- thank god -- you can't do anything to move your eyeballs apart!

     This may come as a shock to you, but a woman gets no points for holding her eyes open in an alarmed or startled stare while she probably does get points for eyes narrowed in relaxation, skepticisim, humor or seduction. Back in the dark ages some whacky, possibly drunken, white guy decided to label Asians as having "almond eyes" while Whites are "roundeyes". In reality, only disfigured or deformed people have eyes that are remotely round in shape. The eyes of most people, regardless of race, are almond shaped though the shadow of the eyesocket, combined with makeup, can enlarge the apparent space occupied by the eyes.

     Most importantly, there's the issue of pride in oneself. I wouldn't even want to imagine the kind of man who would find a woman more appealing because she is patently ashamed of her natural features. That's the sorry signal you send, Asian women, when you try so desperately to make your eyes look rounder. Is that really what you want to say about yourself and about your perception of your race?

     Of course there are distinctive differences between the cut and angle of the eyes of Asians and whites. Personally, I like Asian eyes on Asian women and caucasian eyes on caucasian women. Asian women who somehow manage to mimic the eyes of white women put me in mind of the whole Frankenstein thing.

     That's not to say I am against all forms of eye makeup. Skillful makeup can create the illusion of having temporarily transcended the less-than-ideal proportions and uneven skintones of the average face while enhancing a woman's air of sensuality, vitality, mystery and glamour -- as may befit the occasion. But it's important to keep in mind that the art of makeup has been cultivated for many centuries in both Asian and western cultures and isn't, as too many Asian women seem to suppose, a tool for trying to mimic western features.


LOSE THE LONG HAIR
     Far too many Asian women wear their hair long. Are they so short of confidence in their living tissue that they want to divert attention to their dead tissue? It's tacky, pathetic, impractical, unsanitary, even dangerous. Sure, there are guys who claim to like long hair but in my experience guys like that are too fixated on outdated notions of femininity to appreciate a woman's unique qualities. And if a long-hair fetishist happens to be white, he is likely to cherish notions of Asian women as exotics, with all the unhappy stereotypical baggage attached thereto. PAGE 2

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“ I wouldn't even want to imagine the kind of man who would find a woman more appealing because she is patently ashamed of her natural features. ”