The Truth about Asian American Fathers

or many Asian Americans the most gratifying moments of the Salt Lake City Games weren't seeing Apolo Anton Ohno and Michele Kwan winning their medals; they were seeing two Asian American men being recognized as key forces in the lives of two exceptional American Olympians. How often does that happen in the American media?
Each time the TV cameras came in tight on Yuki Ohno and Danny Kwan rinkside, U.S. TV audiences saw two distinct images of Asian American fatherhood. Yuki was emotional, vocal and aggressive. Danny was impassive, silent and tentative. Some viewers might have felt cognitive dissonance. The faces of both men were unmistakeably Asian but neither evoked the familiar stereotype of the cold, stern taskmaster frowning at their kids' shortcomings.
Of course Danny Kwan and Yuki Ohno are fathers of exceptional offspring. But are they exceptions that prove the rule, or is the stereotype based on distortions born of nothing but ignorance? Do AA fathers help their children mature into well-adjusted, successful adults or are they just another obstacle in the path of young Asians seeking a place in American society?

(Updated )

Hannybubbun,

I'm Asian and my dad never showed an "affectionate" love towards me and never supported me in anything I wanted to do! But that didn't stop me from pursuing my dreams.

I'm somewhat successful now and I say to him "hell with u, i'm on my own!"

In some Asian families perhaps in Chinese families, the dad see his son as a future "rival sort of thing" Sometimes they are insecure about themselves and don't like to see their son surpass him but wishes him to be self sufficient. Human beings are complex, and I guess this runs in all racial and cultural lines.

In addition, each cultural family has their own unique dysfunctions. In Chinese families, sibling rivarly is common, cousin rivarly is also common, "not good enough to please parents" is probably the most common.
Family Dysfunction occurs in all Cultures
Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 13:13:17 (PST)

Hannybunbun:

I don't mean to pile on you here, but some of what you're saying about Asian Dads is just as true about Caucasian Dads as well.

My dad stopped saying he loved me when I was really little--didn't hug me after I was a toddler and overall tended to motivate me by being somewhat harsh. Things like bringing home Straight A's and then being accused of being lazy if I was on the phone with a girl or enjoying a TV show. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from university only to have him go on and on about how if I'd "stopped chasing girls and had my mind on my schoolwork, I would have graduated Summa Cum Laude" and how disappointed he was with my 3.85 overall average.

Me and my good buds who are Jewish, Asian and WASPs like myself who've had similar "old school" fathers have commiserated over beers on stuff like this. However, as we've all become fathers, we've managed to catch ourselves early on and are doing our best to avoid some of those pratfalls. There's no excuse for our kids not doing the best that they can, but when they do, they deserve our praise and attention regardless.

Some of my AM friends have been so cognizant of this with their sons and daughters and I've considered them to be good examples. There are even old school AM dads, like my father-in-law who show unwavering support and love to their children, like he has done with Julie. (In fact, it is my MOTHER-in-law whose behavior towards Julie is cold in the way you've described some AM fathers.)

I know one AM buddy of mine whose Dad is always all buddy-buddy with him. They even have farting contests sometimes, much to his sister and mother's annoyance!!!

Sorry for being long-winded--my point is just not to generalize.
Hank Lewis
Thursday, February 28, 2002 at 10:43:56 (PST)

My father is very supportive in anything that I choose to do. Although he might not hug me and tell me that he loves me, I know it's because he wasn't raised that way and not because he doesn't love me. I get nothing but support and love from my father. Yet I also know some people whose Asian fathers don't even talk to them and get involved with their lives. So every family is different. Hannybunbun: I know that my parents will just absolutely adore their future granchildren. I think that any grandparent, regardless of race, are going to be more critical of their own children than their grandchildren.
baybee510
Wednesday, February 27, 2002 at 17:44:32 (PST)

Hannybunbun,

Chinese culture is not into touching and feeling as American cultures or in different forms.

The traditional greeting in Chinese culture is not a handshake, but instead, the "ming" sign is formed with the fist and shook in the air.

As for instilling drive in the children, well the facts speak for themselves.

Adjusting to american culture is difficult for immigrant families no matter if they are asian or not. So you would you rather have a mal-adjusted sucess or mal-adjusted failure is really the question. Assimiliation into mainstream culture occurs over generations on years.
AC Dropout
Monday, February 25, 2002 at 07:53:37 (PST)

My husband is Chinese, and his brother and he both have told me that they never have been hugged by their father nor ever encouraged, ever. They try to make light of it with me and tell me it is just part of the 'Old Asian Ways', but I still can see it has an impact on them. My brother-in-law spoke about how afraid he and his little friends were of his father when he was young. Their father never has anything positive nor encouraging to say to them, even at this time. They are both successful, but suffer from the "not good enough for parents" stigma.They do everything for their parents, and still they are not satisfied and demand more and more from them. It makes me feel so bad to see them both always falling short of his father's very unrealistic measures, and never feeling love or approval from him. As adults, he still does not show any encouragement nor affection to them. I see he shows affection to our little baby boy, his grandchild. I wonder why he shows such affection to his grandchild, yet was and is so stoic and cold and disapproving, and at times, very mean with his own children?
Hannybunbun
Monday, February 25, 2002 at 06:16:51 (PST)

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